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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25455733">Uncomfortable in snake skin</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ironicprincessemo/pseuds/Ironicprincessemo'>Ironicprincessemo</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Sanders Sides (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Deceit | Janus Sanders Needs a Hug, Hurt/Comfort, Let me know if any other tags are required, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Sympathetic Deceit | Janus Sanders</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 07:46:58</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,266</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25455733</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ironicprincessemo/pseuds/Ironicprincessemo</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Janus likes his scales right?<br/>Wrong he hates them.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>75</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Uncomfortable in snake skin</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I really need to start being nicer to janus lol</p><p>I'm only mean because he's my favourite 😂</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If someone asked Janus about how he felt about his scales he would tell them he loved them. loved the way they split him down the middle perfectly showing the dichotomy of man or the way they glittered in the light or complimented his  aesthetic perfectly.</p><p>But, then again, of course he would because he is a liar </p><p> </p><p>In truth he freaking hates them</p><p>They were cold, ugly and reminded him of the monster the others had thought of him as,or maybe still did. He had once thought (in foolish naïve hope) that getting accepted would be key to having the blasted things he hated vanish from his body . but nope of course not even after getting fully accepted and being part of Thomas's team they still littered every inch of his left side</p><p> </p><p>Some days weren't so bad he could tolerate them or pretend they weren't there at least. but on others he would be all too aware of their presence like a burning itching sensation that would not cease that would send hin spiralling in to panic attacks and self-deprecation that would just continue the cycle as he'd then berate himself for being so weak. Also on days like that he couldn't Stand to look at himself his mere appearance making him feel sick </p><p> </p><p>He knew,  as soon as he got up, today would be one of those days</p><p> </p><p>He'd been woken much too early by roman "wakey wakey snakey"  he groaned</p><p>today was going to be a long day usually when he felt like this he confine himself to his room but he couldn't. Today they were filming a sander sides video in which he played an integral  role in</p><p> </p><p>There was one thing that helped on day's like this shape-shifting. Shape-shifting into one of the other sides he'd found that shape-shifting especially into Logan helped he couldn't feel any of his scales when he was one of the others but if he had to guess why being Logan helped him the most he would say that  he related the most to the logical side</p><p> </p><p>But there was a rule ever since he had got accepted he wasn't allowed to impersonate the others and while he wasn't a stickler for rules by any means  he'd done so much to get them to trust him he couldn't throw it all away just for a silly insecurity</p><p> </p><p>He got up ignoring the pit of nausea in his stomach and snapped himself in to his outfit. His outfit helped him on days like this as well </p><p> </p><p>The long cloak hid his scales from his view. His gloves stopped him from accidentally feeling his scales and his hat hid his messy hair for when he couldn't force himself to fix it in the mirror seeing himself being too much to handle</p><p> </p><p>He took a deep breath trying to silence his thoughts that screamed at him not to leave to stay in his room where he was safe</p><p> </p><p>Finally he left. the door swinging closed like a guillotine dropping down. Alarm bells started to blare in Janus' head his mind repeating  wrong over and over.</p><p>'Wrong, wrong, wrong' his mind chanted like some sort of sick joke but before he could retreat to his room Patton walked up to him</p><p> </p><p>"Hey morning Janus are you OK?"</p><p> </p><p>This was it he could make up some excuse for why he couldn't film the sander sides today go back to his room and wait for the day to end and hope tomorrow would be better. He didn’t want to disappoint anyone though. woah, where had that come from? maybe he was being influenced by the main 4 more than he had realised</p><p> </p><p>"I'm good" he  lied he couldn't tell them he felt this way there was no way they  would understand that mere reference to him being snake-like  would cause panic to build within him</p><p>'Suck it up' he scolded himself 'freaks don't get to complain about being freaks'</p><p> </p><p>" Well that's good" Patton said cheerfully completely missing the lie "are you nervous? "</p><p> </p><p>Oh god was he that obvious</p><p>"I'm not nervous why would I be nervous?" the laugh that he forced out physically hurt him but Patton didn't notice anything wrong which was ironic as the father figure did the same thing all the time</p><p>"It's the first video you're in after being fully accepted it's a big day kiddo"</p><p>While Janus didn't really liked being called a 'kiddo' there could certainly be worse</p><p> </p><p>"Yes I suppose it is but the fanders love me" deceit said brimming with false confidence as false confidence was still confidence after all</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah they do like seeing their  snake boi" Patton beamed unaware of the panic squeezing Janus' chest making it impossible to breathe normally for a few seconds 'they think you're a weirdo freak show something to stare at. that will get boring eventually then they'll toss you aside.</p><p> </p><p>"Gosh is that the time we're late for breakfast let's go" Janus forced his legs to move even though they felt like lead</p><p> </p><p>He made it downstairs trying to ignore the itching sensation that enveloped his left side that made him want to scratch and scratch until they were gone. He sat down at the table his hunger having evaporated "Good morning snake that" roman said </p><p>That earned him a few confused stares 'like take that but with snake</p><p>My talent is wasted here" roman grumbled</p><p> </p><p>Janus stayed quiet he tried to remind himself that it was a term of endearment and roman didn't know it made his skin crawl or bile rise in his throat that he had to quickly swallow down.</p><p> </p><p>"You don't seem to be eating is something wrong" logan said gesturing to Janus' still full plate</p><p> </p><p>"No I'm just not that hungry"</p><p> </p><p>"Well you can't just skip breakfast  As the name suggests, breakfast breaks the overnight fasting period. It replenishes your supply of glucose to boost your energy levels and alertness, while also providing other essential nutrients required for good health" Logan info - dumped</p><p> </p><p>"It's fine logan Janus can have something later if he wants"</p><p> I suppose that is satisfactory logan said though he didn't look fully convinced</p><p> </p><p>Leaving Janus to sit quietly hat pulled over his eyes trying to convince himself that no one was staring at him that he wasn't a freak. It wasn't working hands trembling  and foot tapping against the tile of the kitchen floor and it was a constant fight to keep his breathing even</p><p> </p><p>They didn't even notice. why would they?</p><p>They'd probably only notice if what he did was inconvenient to them</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>"We have a lot to film so shall we get started? " Logan suggested after everything was washed up.</p><p>One thing Janus now learned is how increasingly difficult it was to focus on ones lines or remember cues when everything on one side of his body felt wrong, disgusting even </p><p> </p><p>He kept messing up and it did nothing  for morale</p><p> </p><p> "Oh goodness snake, did you even look at the script" roman's tone filled with  anger and irritation </p><p>"Roman calm down </p><p>Yes he did I'm sure this particular line just slithered from his mind" </p><p>Patton giggled </p><p> </p><p>'That's what they think of you you're nothing but a snake now focus so you can finish then you can whine and whinge all you want in your room alone' he reprimanded himself </p><p> </p><p>They had finally gotten a  large portion of the video done  every nickname felt like a punch to the stomach he hid it well enough but he was close to breaking</p><p> </p><p>Then one line in the stupid script  said by roman " how can you be better looking than me  virgil  we have the same face! " within seconds roman's hand was over his mouth </p><p> </p><p>Janus hadn't even realised he'd done it. he didn't even realise what had caused him to do it he'd heard the joke hundreds of times before. Anger? Or envy about the fact that they did have the same face and he was stuck hideously deformed because of the way Thomas had once thought of him </p><p> </p><p>As soon as he as realised was doing it he stopped </p><p> </p><p>Roman removed his hand from his mouth "what did you do that for?!"</p><p>"sorry force of habit anyway that joke is so overused" Janus excused but his voice was  strained and a little shakey</p><p>" Fine, we can change it you don't have to have a hissy fit"roman spat</p><p>That was the final straw tears started to stream uncontrollably down his face before he  quickly sunk out</p><p>Everyone turned to roman Patton was the first to speak" roman you need to go apologise to Janus right now"</p><p>"I didn't do anything he's just being a drama king... cobra" came roman's very child like reply</p><p>Logan then spoke " people don't start crying for nothing roman. he gave his opinion you lashed out and while I'm  not an expert on feelings i believe he may be feeling hurt from that" </p><p>"Right, that" roman said feeling more guilty </p><p>"I'll go with you" logan said "to mediate any further conflict that may occur" "I'll go with you too as logan isn't the best person when it comes to feelings" patton added</p><p>" Thank you patton that shall be beneficial"</p><p>Janus was in the middle of the room knees hugged to his chest barely able to breathe and gloved hands pulling at his hair (his hat thrown across the room) trying and failing to focus on his human attributes. When his panic only built his breaths coming in short shallow gasps he dicided desperate times called for desperate measures . He shapeshifted into logan</p><p>Logan patton and roman made their way up the stairs and knocked on the door "janus I wanted to apologise" roman said </p><p>No reply<br/>Please open the door roman said again </p><p>Once again no reply <br/>"Kiddo i know you're     upset with roman but if you open up the door I'm sure you can talk it out."</p><p>The reason he's not opening the door may not be unwillingness but he may be unable to Logan explained trying the door finding it unlocked</p><p> hesitantly they  entered the snake's room. what they found was shocking janus- well janus shapeshifted into logan curled up in a ball crying and gasping for breath and from what they could tell he hadn't noticed them come in</p><p>"He's having a panic attack" logan noted in a calm way that only logan could</p><p>"Why has he shapeshifted into you?" roman asked logan</p><p>"I'm unsure, however we should focus on calming  him down  as with  how uneven his breathing is right now he is at risk of passing out"</p><p>Logan carefully approached the panicking side crouching down to be at eye level with him while patton and roman stayed back while the two contemplated the odd sight of logan comforting himself <br/>"Janus can you hear me"</p><p>Janus's eyes widened and he flinched back.</p><p>"you need to try to get your breathing under control in for 4 hold for 7 out for 8"<br/> janus of course failed not handling a few seconds of holding his breath but logan was there to further encourage him "that's it try again" janus tried again able to hold his breath a little longer this time "you're doing so well logan said offering janus a small rare smile<br/>After a few more attempts janus had finally calmed down enough to speak<br/>" thank you" he murmured </p><p>"No need to thank me janus I'm merely happy that you are in a slightly better frame of mind you seemed to be having a panic attack may i ask what triggered it? Was it something roman said? You don't have to answer if it makes you uncomfortable of course" Logan questioned voice more gentle than the others had thought him capable</p><p>"Yes, no, ... well not directly but it's stupid none of you would understand" his tone unintentionally a little bitter</p><p>"Well we may have a better chance of understanding if you tell us friendo" Patton smiled </p><p>Janus thought it over. A battle raging in his head one part of him was exhausted keeping this himself the other wanted to keep to himself till the day he or more accurately thomas died not wanting to let the others in to the walls he built around himself</p><p>Finally he came to a decision<br/>"I.. I.. I hate my scales i always have. some days aren't so bad  but others it's all i can think about they're wrong disgusting and everytime I'm reminded of them it makes me feel sick and reminds me im nothing but a monster and a freak.</p><p>" And shape-shifting in to me helps?" logan asked no judgement to his voice just curiosity</p><p>"i know the rule and i can stop if you want" there was a begging in his eyes</p><p>"Janus I'm not asking you to do that if it's a coping mechanism it be wrong to take that away" the relief in janus's eyes was inmeasureable</p><p>Patton had gone from the room and returned with hot chocolate for all of them "we're so sorry we ever made you feel that way" Patton said passing him a mug of hot chocolate</p><p>"It's not your fault you didn't know"</p><p>They dicided to watch janus's favourite movie: aladdin. They'd deal with things tomorrow not now. Now janus was on his bed watching his favourite movie with the  other sides around him their presence enough to calm him and janus let himself think that maybe, just maybe, his bad days wouldn't be so bad with them by his side</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hope you enjoyed  sorry i haven't been uploading much but with summer hopefully i can. Upload more 😊</p></blockquote></div></div>
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